I’m back…but don’t get too excited…

I finally decided to stop “revamping” my blog and just open it back up for posts even though it is a mess.  I am going to be tinkering with it even more now that it’s back up, so don’t freak out if it looks different from one visit to the next.  Trust me that hideous pink border is going…eventually.  The Peppered Peony is a work in progress, much like me and everything else in my life, which brings me to today’s topic.

So I have this friend, Hollie, who, I swear, gets giddy when she says, “What!?!  ”Martha” (burnt a meal, has a messy house, has weeds in her garden, has a kid who is made a bad grade – insert any or all of these or any regular person screw ups you can think of).  I’m shocked!”  I love her to death.  She makes me feel like a million bucks  about my decorating, cooking, how I raise my kids, and she asks for my opinion a lot because, and I truly believe this,  she values it.  She is always going beyond what she needs to do when I’m invited over because she wants to impress me.  She thinks I expect that.  She thinks I’m so used to perfection I expect it in everyone else.

She is deluded.

I’ve felt  like a fraud talking to her recently.  The false facade of “living in a magazine” I often get “complimented” on is about to be shattered.

My life is a wreck on so many levels so I just thought I’d come on out with it so people who think I’m getting everything right can see I’m really a mess most of the time.

This blog is the perfect example.

I want it to be, and thought everyone expected it to be, perfection like Thistlewood Farms or Jones Design Co or Miss Mustard Seed.   Those blogs are so sleek and stylish, the bloggers so witty and creative and they give the impression everything they touch comes out perfectly.  They were all are saying, “I feel so guilty I don’t have my fall decorations out yet” around Labor Day while mine  are still today packed away in the basement or scattered all over the living room carpet that desperately needs to be shampooed just waiting to become a Pinterest success story.

In actuality The Peppered Peony is totally screwed up on the design side, and feels abandoned because I’ve not bothered to write any posts for months.  I’ve wanted to write a million different times, and I’ve really missed it, but I’ve been investing my efforts into just keeping my head above water.  The choices of font, theme and design styles changes to the blog overwhelmed me, and are representative of my life as a whole where I’ve had too many decisions to make and too many projects open up over the last year to get anything finished.  Even if they were done, they either took way too long to do or they weren’t done very well, so I just pushed it aside and tried to focus on something, anything else I might be able to do right.

I also know TPP hasn’t been worked on becauseI am a quitter.  I hate that part of me, but I can acknowledge it.  I quit when I get bored with something or it gets too hard or it’s not turning out like I want.  Boy, that’s hard to say out loud to other people, but it’s true.  I’ve always been that way.  Dance lessons, track team, playing the flute, college, my jewelry business, selling Kelly’s Kids clothes, opening a catering business, my librarian job, opening a restaurant…  I can go on and on but I won’t because it’s depressing, and the people who’ve known me for years probably can point out many more abandoned projects than even I remember.  I have managed to stay married for 22 years which is a testament to the fact I know how to stick with things when I have a partner, but when left to do something all alone rarely does it get accomplished from start to finish.

I can also recite all kinds of motivational sayings about missing every shot you don’t take, or when you feel like quitting remember why you started.  Saying it doesn’t make it happen though.

So today I’m going to start again.  Today I’m quitting quitting, at least with the blog.  I don’t think I’m going to magically start finishing all the projects I’ve stopped working on, but this is a start.  I don’t think I’m magically going to get all the crap I’ve bought at auctions over the last few months neatly organized in the garage or get my business plan cranked out tout suite, but at least now that the illusion of holding it all together is gone, I can move in that direction with a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

Yep, I’m back, but don’t get too excited…yet.

April Signature

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5 Responses to I’m back…but don’t get too excited…

  1. Gary Kerr February 11, 2014 at 12:51 pm #

    Great sharing about yourself. I read about you and liked the way you shared everything interestingly. Will look forward for your another post. Thanks for the sharing.

  2. Karen Weiss October 10, 2013 at 9:09 pm #

    Hi April,
    I find your post today heartening, as I think the same about myself.
    A few months ago, I started my ‘un-finished projects’ rule. I can NOT start a new project until all of my incomplete ones are finished. Period.
    Back to you, I see you as one put together woman, mom and wife. We all have way too much on our plates than seems humanly possible. Some how we struggle threw it. You, make it look easy. As your friend, who misses you and your family. Freaken miles. I have been in awe of you, since shortly after meeting you.
    You do, you make all you accomplish look simple.
    Confess your weakness, but all I see is strength.
    Care to give up your trade secrets on how you make everything you do, look so second nature?

  3. JenYaz October 10, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

    Damn……you are waaay too hard on yourself. Perfection is a stupid joke that no one really believes in. You are so brilliant in all the unique ways that make you….you. My wonderful Gram used to say, “you can have everything you want in life, but you can’t have it all at once”. Damn, she was right.

    Cleansing breath. Narrow, narrow, narrow your scope to what fulfillment (not “success”) will feel like to you and pursue that. You’re funny, lovely, genuine and smart……exactly as you are right now with an imperfect blog, unfinished projects (which in some cases may have been wise moves, not failures) and a community of family and friends who really value you…..exactly like you’re and BECAUSE of who are are! Huge hug. –JenYaz

  4. Pam Lane October 10, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

    Thank goodness you’re getting rid of the pink border. It’s bothering me. Ha. You know I love you and think you can do it all.

  5. Jill Purvis October 10, 2013 at 3:49 pm #

    As always love reading your blog. I hate that life has been so busy that I can not ever see you and we have to plan a night months in advance. It just stinks!!! You have actually been on my mind a lot lately. So please know that even if we do not talk or see each other for weeks or months, I am still thinking of you and wondering how you are doing!! I am due some time off soon! Let’s do lunch or breakfast.

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